Super Mario Bros. Wii

Oh great. They are making some Little Big Mario World shit for Wii. But without the level creation aspect.

Actually, that's the boring bit. This might be okay. Go on then, who's in it?

Mario!
Okay, that makes sense. Who else?

Luigi!
What? That's basically just Mario in gay green clothes. But, okay, he's a Mario brother and the title hints at the plural. Two characters left, time to wheel out the big guns. Who's next? Yoshi?

Toad!
TOAD?! Fuck off. Who cares about that little mushroom twat. He doesn't even do anything. All he does is tell you boring shit you could work out yourself. The princess is in another castle! No shit, you little prick. She's clearly not fucking here. I hate that cunt. Who else, then?

Another Toad, but a different colour one!
Oh fuck off, Nintendo. One Toad was already one too many. People are going to be queuing up to play this aren't they? If you're second to press start, you either get to be the homo Mario brother or one of two mushroom headed shitcunts.

Milo Uncut: The Five Exchanges That Never Made The E3 Trailer

You’ve seen it. A bold new dawn for digital entertainment. A real woman talking to a this weird little digital Pinocchio. It’s going to change the face of tedious non-games for twats too tedious to like ‘proper’ games like Bangai-O FOREVER. Here’s what was left on the cutting room floor.


Kate: Hey Milo, look at my fanny!
Milo: HOLY FUCK! That bush is fucking well out of hand. You need to square your pube admin, love.
Kate: This is what a real woman looks like.
Milo: Like a top down view of the Chewbaccas Christmas Party?! At least comb the fucker, christ.
Kate: Sometimes I find little cheese-like lumps matted in it. What’s that?
Milo: AIDS. I just really hope it’s AIDS.

~

Kate: Hey Milo! I did a drawing for you!
Milo: Mega, let’s have a look... It’s a drawing of a dick with FUCK OFF written underneath?
Kate: I know! You’re an annoying little cunt. Do your own fucking homework you tosspot, I’m going to play Call of Duty 4.

~

Kate: Hey Milo! Ever wonder why you exist?
Milo: I’m an exciting experiment in making an emotional connection with gamers! Remember when I made you reach to catch that thing I threw?!
Kate: Why do you have such a realistically modelled little boy penis?
Milo: Sorry, what?
Kate: Your cock. I’ve seen the model. There’s a fuckload of polys in that. Why is that? How does you having a realistic little boy penis help that emotional connection?
Milo: Uncle Peter makes me touch it.
Kate: We’re going to jail for this. All of us.
Milo: He says it’s for his ‘Peter Files’.
Kate: Please stop talking.

~

Kate: Hey Milo!
Milo: I WASN’T WANKING
Kate: What?
Milo: Umm... how’s work?
Kate: Why is your belt undone? And what’s behind your back?
Milo: IT’S NOY GAY PORN!
Kate: Oookay. I’m just going to go away and come back in half an hour.
Milo: If I smashed out all my teeth with a hammer, do you think I could get all of Take That’s cocks in my mouth at the same time?

~

Kate: Hey Milo!
Milo: Hi Kate.
Kate: Did you watch The Apprentice?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Umm, so... Kaka to Madrid! What do you reckon?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: What’s been the highlight of E3 week for you?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Okay, we’ll try something simple. Do you know what a cat is?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: A dog?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Do we really have to talk about your fucking homework again?
Milo: Ah yes, my homework! I still haven’t done it!
Kate: That’s because it doesn’t exist, you prick. Pretend digital people don’t get homework.
Milo: Ah yes, my homework! I still haven’t done it!
Kate: You’re a fucking spastic.
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.

Wii Vitality Sensor

It takes a lot to annoy Seal, I just don’t give a fuck about anything. But the Nintendo conference at E3 had me wishing my flippers were were hard enough to smash my own eyes out.

I watched it streaming. Some cunt had it on his iPhone. Actually, cunt... iPhone... that’s a tautology. Don’t worry, I batted the phone into the sea with my flipper once I was done and called the guy a nob. But anyway, that sensor.

How the fuck am I meant to get my flipper in there? It took me back to the time I tried to finger Mary-Kate Olsen. I succeeded on that occassion, barely grazed the sides actually. But afterwards, she told me take the back door.

Again, looser than a flid’s shoelaces. But while I was up there, proper wafting my flipper in a figure 8 pattern, I noticed a pencil sharpener on her bedroom shelf that looked like the vitality sensor. What the hell else am I going to put in there to ‘check my pulse’ or whatever?

I see, you googled ‘seal penis’. You twat. But fuck you: mine opens out like a cocktail umbrella once it’s in. If I pop my balls in as well, I’ll leave your fanny looking like Fallout 3 when I squirt. If you’re lucky and I don’t go fully nuclear, the next person that sees it might only remark that it looks like a ripped out fireplace before vomiting in their own mouth.

I don’t even know what that sensor is for. I was too busy screaming in rage to hear what the prostitute madam, her Filipino manservant and Bobby Tokyo were saying about it. But what I do know is this: Gunpei Yokoi was murdered at the roadside by a powersliding Mario Kart with the numberplate ‘SHIGS1’ whilst changing a car tyre just for making Virtual Boy. At least that was about games, for fuck’s sake.

Unless the game it’s for is called Finger Ashley Olsen. I hear she’s still got some tread on the tyres down there. Unless I have them the wrong way around? Which is the one that was definitely probably a crack whore? Not that one, anyway.