Milo Uncut: The Five Exchanges That Never Made The E3 Trailer

You’ve seen it. A bold new dawn for digital entertainment. A real woman talking to a this weird little digital Pinocchio. It’s going to change the face of tedious non-games for twats too tedious to like ‘proper’ games like Bangai-O FOREVER. Here’s what was left on the cutting room floor.


Kate: Hey Milo, look at my fanny!
Milo: HOLY FUCK! That bush is fucking well out of hand. You need to square your pube admin, love.
Kate: This is what a real woman looks like.
Milo: Like a top down view of the Chewbaccas Christmas Party?! At least comb the fucker, christ.
Kate: Sometimes I find little cheese-like lumps matted in it. What’s that?
Milo: AIDS. I just really hope it’s AIDS.

~

Kate: Hey Milo! I did a drawing for you!
Milo: Mega, let’s have a look... It’s a drawing of a dick with FUCK OFF written underneath?
Kate: I know! You’re an annoying little cunt. Do your own fucking homework you tosspot, I’m going to play Call of Duty 4.

~

Kate: Hey Milo! Ever wonder why you exist?
Milo: I’m an exciting experiment in making an emotional connection with gamers! Remember when I made you reach to catch that thing I threw?!
Kate: Why do you have such a realistically modelled little boy penis?
Milo: Sorry, what?
Kate: Your cock. I’ve seen the model. There’s a fuckload of polys in that. Why is that? How does you having a realistic little boy penis help that emotional connection?
Milo: Uncle Peter makes me touch it.
Kate: We’re going to jail for this. All of us.
Milo: He says it’s for his ‘Peter Files’.
Kate: Please stop talking.

~

Kate: Hey Milo!
Milo: I WASN’T WANKING
Kate: What?
Milo: Umm... how’s work?
Kate: Why is your belt undone? And what’s behind your back?
Milo: IT’S NOY GAY PORN!
Kate: Oookay. I’m just going to go away and come back in half an hour.
Milo: If I smashed out all my teeth with a hammer, do you think I could get all of Take That’s cocks in my mouth at the same time?

~

Kate: Hey Milo!
Milo: Hi Kate.
Kate: Did you watch The Apprentice?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Umm, so... Kaka to Madrid! What do you reckon?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: What’s been the highlight of E3 week for you?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Okay, we’ll try something simple. Do you know what a cat is?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: A dog?
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.
Kate: Do we really have to talk about your fucking homework again?
Milo: Ah yes, my homework! I still haven’t done it!
Kate: That’s because it doesn’t exist, you prick. Pretend digital people don’t get homework.
Milo: Ah yes, my homework! I still haven’t done it!
Kate: You’re a fucking spastic.
Milo: SYNTAX ERROR. USER INPUT NOT RECOGNISED.