Wii Vitality Sensor

It takes a lot to annoy Seal, I just don’t give a fuck about anything. But the Nintendo conference at E3 had me wishing my flippers were were hard enough to smash my own eyes out.

I watched it streaming. Some cunt had it on his iPhone. Actually, cunt... iPhone... that’s a tautology. Don’t worry, I batted the phone into the sea with my flipper once I was done and called the guy a nob. But anyway, that sensor.

How the fuck am I meant to get my flipper in there? It took me back to the time I tried to finger Mary-Kate Olsen. I succeeded on that occassion, barely grazed the sides actually. But afterwards, she told me take the back door.

Again, looser than a flid’s shoelaces. But while I was up there, proper wafting my flipper in a figure 8 pattern, I noticed a pencil sharpener on her bedroom shelf that looked like the vitality sensor. What the hell else am I going to put in there to ‘check my pulse’ or whatever?

I see, you googled ‘seal penis’. You twat. But fuck you: mine opens out like a cocktail umbrella once it’s in. If I pop my balls in as well, I’ll leave your fanny looking like Fallout 3 when I squirt. If you’re lucky and I don’t go fully nuclear, the next person that sees it might only remark that it looks like a ripped out fireplace before vomiting in their own mouth.

I don’t even know what that sensor is for. I was too busy screaming in rage to hear what the prostitute madam, her Filipino manservant and Bobby Tokyo were saying about it. But what I do know is this: Gunpei Yokoi was murdered at the roadside by a powersliding Mario Kart with the numberplate ‘SHIGS1’ whilst changing a car tyre just for making Virtual Boy. At least that was about games, for fuck’s sake.

Unless the game it’s for is called Finger Ashley Olsen. I hear she’s still got some tread on the tyres down there. Unless I have them the wrong way around? Which is the one that was definitely probably a crack whore? Not that one, anyway.